We made the general announcement via Facebook last week, so I can finally write up a blog post.
I am currently 14 weeks and 2 days along.
Baby Atkins is due October 16th, 2012.
I found out on February 15th. I half-heartedly took a pregnancy test in the morning. When it came back positive, I didn't believe it. The day was kind of crazy and I didn't get home until after 8 pm. I was in a daze all day, but bought another box of tests.
The next morning, my second test gave a positive result. I got in the shower, still a bit shocked, but then I really let myself get excited. It was true! Then I told Kurt, who was still asleep in bed and mumbled, "Yay" or something like that.
I hadn't had many symptoms yet, so I was reluctant to get my hopes up too far. After a year of trying (and that spanned more than a year, with a 4-month break last year), I was so scared of getting excited and then having it not be true. I wanted a doctor to tell me! But I had to wait until 9 weeks to see the doc, and I took the tests at 5 weeks. So I took a third pregnancy test a week later. That came back positive, and those three tests combined with increasing symptoms made me realize that it was really true. We told our families just before 8 weeks. Our plan was to wait until after the 9 week appointment, but I was too excited. They are all super excited, of course.
How I'm Feeling: Physical Symptoms
At first I was hoping I was lucky enough to have escaped morning sickness. Oh, silly me! The first weekend after finding out, I had to sleep in the guest bedroom because Kurt had strep throat. The week following nausea began to creep its way into my life.
My very first symptoms, before I even knew I was pregnant, were "pregnancy brain" and fatigue. Let me tell you: pregnancy brain is a very real thing! I don't feel as dull 100% of the time like I did at first, but I have definitely noticed my reasoning skills have gone down. It's takes me a bit longer to think things through. Luckily, my writing hasn't been affected. I don't have trouble finding words, structuring sentences, or writing scenes in general. Which is really nice! Because I've been doing a lot of it, especially recently as the morning sickness is waning.
Yes, I've had morning sickness. More like all day sickness. And it's-worst-at-night sickness. I've only thrown up once (aside from a 24 stomach bug, fun times), but I've had plenty of close calls. As time progressed, my food aversions grew and grew, to the point where it peaked at 10 weeks and all I was eating was cereal, popcorn chicken, and turkey sandwiches. Anything with more flavor made me gag instantly. That waned and these days the only aversion I'm feeling is garlic. Oh, the smell of garlic makes me shudder. I think the morning sickness is finally going, as this week I've felt great nausea-wise, but I said that two weeks ago, and things were not so great last week. But I'm hopeful! My most consistent cravings have been cheese, orange juice, strawberries, cheeseburgers, and this week, grits. Carbs in general, most meats, and fruit. I still tend to prefer more bland foods.
The fatigue hasn't bothered me much, but then again, I've been tired every day of my life since high school, so I guess I'm used to it. I haven't worked out consistently since week 6, when the nausea kicked in. But I plan on going to kickboxing this Saturday (I went two weeks ago and it was great. I just modified the moves to be low impact, and took breaks when I felt too warm.)
I'm not showing yet, but by the end of the day I'm usually so bloated I look like I'm 6 months pregnant.
How I'm Feeling: Mentally/Emotionally
So far, it's going really well, and I'm so grateful that I can say that. At the end of January, I became severely depressed for two weeks, culminating in a breakdown of epic proportions, in which I cried to Kurt that I was afraid of myself. He and a friend gave me a blessing, and that, combined with increasing pregnancy symptoms, has helped so much.
Around week 8 I had the strange realization that I felt like I was on lithium. When I first go on lithium, my moods are set to a much smaller scale than I'm used to--the kind of range most, non-bipolar, people are used to. I remember feeling like I was numb and emotionally castrated, though I came to realize I was just experiencing a more "normal" range of emotions, not the super lows to crazy highs range I was used to. (Lithium also makes most users drowsy and nauseous at first, so it's a lot like pregnancy.) This is how I felt with the constant fatigue/nausea. My mood felt tamped down. Numb isn't the right word, because it's not a numbness like you experience with depression. More like subdued. My moods have been, overall, very even.
As the nausea has started to recede from my body, I feel more like my old bipolar self in ways. The symptoms I'm experiencing are mostly hypomanic ones--racing thoughts, scattered thoughts that arrest me into inaction (because I can't figure out what I need to do next), some minor panic attacks (and that's even too strong... more like panicky feelings). In the earliest days of pregnancy, I was experiencing quite a lot of out-of-body experiences, but those have subsided, though I still find that olfactory hallucinations and occasionally audible hallucinations are still occurring. Those aren't upsetting to me usually, because it's clear what's going on and I can dismiss any worry from them. So far, it seems my brain likes being pregnant. My therapist, whom I met with today, agrees. Let's hope it stays this way!
Even if my bipolar disorder takes a break during pregnancy, I have to be prepared for the postpartum period. Having a baby in October, the lack of sleep I'll experience/strange sleep schedules I'll keep, and my tendency to swing to depression during the winter are all factors that could point to severe postpartum depression. But right now there's nothing I can do, except be aware.
It's strange, but pregnancy brain I think is working in my favor. I know things are piling up, like the laundry in the back bedroom/future nursery. But my mind has a hard time listing out all the things I need to do (which I typically do), so I just kinda go from activity to activity, without much thought about all I need to accomplish. And it's SO GOOD. Otherwise, I know I'd be having daily panic attacks. But I'm just kinda going blithely from day to day, focusing on keeping myself fed, and cleaning when I have the energy. I've really been able to excuse myself for picking the day's wardrobe out of a pile (at least they're clean!) and not writing on my writing blog like I used to, and I'm just as happy as can be. This is not the Kristina we're used to, but this is the Kristina my therapist has been trying to make me be for years. It also helps that Kurt has been very patient and understanding. He's a champ.
I do experience the random urges to cry at the silliest things (Disneyworld commercials??) that many pregnant women do, and I actually, perhaps somewhat arrogantly, think I handle them better than most. Why? Because mood swings are nothing new in my life. (Seriously... one time we were on a road trip and my favorite song "Yellow" came on and I got the urge to cry. Experiences like that are regular in my life, pregnant or not.)
Kurt
Kurt is so excited, but he doesn't show it in the same ways I do (i.e., jumping up and down and clapping my hands while laughing like a giddy little girl). He's been doing research into cars (time to upgrade) and buying me all organic food. And I've never such a patient Kurt before. I mean, he always puts forth a good effort, and is most of the time successful, but he's a saint these days. I don't know how many Friday nights he's made me pancakes while I was sprawled on the couch, groaning in misery. That's how Kurt shows his excitement.
He's also still cycling a lot, and his 3rd race of the season is tomorrow. I can't wait to get a baby bike trailer to challenge his work outs (and mine!).
Anyhow, this post was forever long and I seriously doubt anyone read it to the end. But on the off chance you did, next time you see me, tell me and I'll made cookies or something for you.
