Brain Update

I thought I'd jot down what's going on in the bipolar department here at chez Kristina.
Lincoln has been on formula for almost 7 weeks. The difference is like black and white. While I miss breastfeeding and its many benefits, the benefits of bottle feeding far outweigh those of breastfeeding. Lincoln went from 5 hour stretches at night to 6-8 (most of the time). Kurt can feed Lincoln for me, which has allowed me more sleep and some time out of the house for more than an hour.
But the biggest difference has been the fact that I'm back on my meds. And really, I mean med. Due to our family plans, I told my doctor I only want to be on lamotrigine (which is an upper, basically). During the breastfeeding days, anxiety and depression were my greatest problems. Lamotrigine has effectively squashed the depression (most days). To handle anxiety, I use a doTerra essential oil, specifically Balance. It helps with the racing thoughts as well, which is nice. And lastly, for mood stabilization, I take fish oil (three huge pills a day ... not fun). I don't take anything for psychosis, but honestly I don't need to because I'm always aware that my psychosis is just that. No breaks from reality for me (so far in my life).
This sounds like a hodge podge of treatments--and, certainly, it is--but it's working so far. I feel as good as I remember being on my meds.
My insomnia's pretty bad right now, but I use doTerra's Serenity essential oil. Lavender works too, but I find it leaves me with a hangover in the morning and Serenity doesn't. (By the way, I'm a total essential oils convert.)
Add exercise, an adequate amount of sleep (5-6 hours a night), healthy eating, and a regular bedtime/wake up schedule and I feel like a new woman. Those postpartum days, though there were many sweet and happy moments, feel like the distant dark ages. There's no more endless crying and feelings of hopelessness. Oh sure, I still have yet to go a week without tears and frustration, but it's a more healthy amount. I still have days when I'm depressed, or nights when I'm paralyzed by anxiety, or days of out-of-control hypomania, but those are few and far between.
Thank goodness for modern medicine and alternative treatments. :)

Thanksgiving!

We had a quiet but fun Thanksgiving. Collin hitched a ride down from the Y of I on Tuesday to hang with us boring old folks slash new parents. I think he had fun? He and Kurt saved Thanksgiving dinner by making just about everything because Lincoln was being a needy little munchkin all day. He even made the sweet potato souffle all by himself! Impressive, no? Shelley surprised us by driving down last minute on Friday to hang for the weekend. On my birthday (Saturday) we got our very first real Christmas tree from a real tree lot. No King Soopers tree for us! Lincoln gave me the best present ever--his very first social smile! I am now 28 and that's kinda crazy but enough about that because Lincoln's cute!

On Happiness, Choices, and Mental Illness

If you're on Pinterest, chances are you've seen this quote (or one with a very similar message).

And it's also likely that you believe that it's inherently, universally true.

And let me tell you something: it's not. 

For the vast majority of people on this earth, every single day they can choose to be happy. It's simply a decision they can make (though many choose not to). It's a decision they need to be conscious of, and work for, but any moment of the day they can flip the happy switch.

I firmly believe that.

But for some people, it's not so easy all of the time. 

Sometimes, despite our hardest efforts, that sadness just lingers. We can feel gratitude for our blessings, we're not dwelling in self pity, but we are literally incapable of dispelling that darkness. 

There's a simple explanation for this: chemicals. The chemicals in our simply brain won't let us make that choice.

Most of the time, I can and do choose to be happy. Sometimes, I still can choose but have a hard time getting myself to. And other times, no matter my best efforts, I can't help but feel on the edge of tears, feel the sting of hopeless, feel mired in this sadness. Rationally, I know things are fine. But my emotions aren't getting the memo.

So many people tell me that it's a choice. They just don't understand. They don't know about the confusion of thought and emotion that can come with a chemical imbalance. I'm not angry. I used to be the same way.

This isn't a rant. I just want anyone who reads this to know: for some of us it's not always a choice. 

(Note: this post is not triggered by recent conversations/interactions with anyone in my life. It's just something on my mind today. It was triggered in part by the many quotes I see on Pinterest. The post is mostly about catharsis for me, and education for others. So I hope I don't offend anyone.)

Adventures in BPD Land

Some images from Pinterest that have made me laugh recently

(that remind me of being bi polar).

PS-If you're not on Pinterest and want to join, let me know and I'll send you an invite!

And if you don't know what Pinterest is ... then I'm very sorry for you.

It's pretty amazing.

To the Unquiet Mind

"True creativity never leads to despair. Creativity leads out of despair."

-Dan Wakefield

In the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about creativity. (Obviously, with being at school.) And I've spoken with a few people about being bi polar. It's really made me connect the two ideas as they fit in my life. It's long been known that creativity and madness are often linked. (Kay Redfield Jamison has a book about it, Touched With Fire. I haven't read it yet, but I read An Unquiet Mind and it was fantastic.) What does that mean for me? Listening to music often has the ability to trigger a mood swing. I can listen to an upbeat piece and feel absolutely great about life, then the next song that comes on will be sad and slow and I'll find myself depressed. I know that's true for a lot of people. It's not the mood swings that surprise me, but their extreme range. Very high to very low. Music can do that to me.

But here's where Dan's quote rings true to me. Whenever I create something, whether by writing a story or playing the piano, I am "lead out of despair." Even if it's a sad story or melancholy song, by the end I still feel uplifted. I created something. Something now exists where nothing existed before, by my hand. Despair cannot exist simultaneously with accomplishment, even if that sense of accomplishment does not linger as long as it should.

Like all writers, I've dreamt about the different facets of being published, if one day I do get published. One of the things is book dedications. I don't know why, it's just been my recent focus. I've toyed with a few ideas, but one has stuck so far. I like the idea of every book (if I get so lucky to have more than one book published!) having the same dedication. If not, I want to dedicate all of my work here.

To the Unquiet Mind,

As a reminder of the things you can accomplish

"True creativity never leads to despair. Creativity leads out of despair." -Dan Wakefield

Not-So-Simple Addition

9 books

+

COUNTLESS hours

=

a 27 page paper

+

One happy (slash tired slash relieved) girl

(And also an incredibly messy home)

I mailed my 27 page paper to my MFA program on April 28th.

It felt so good to be done!

After hours of reading,

marking,

thinking,

staring at the computer screen,

procrastinating,

typing,

and, OH YEAH, crying,

I was pretty dang proud of myself.

One semester left!!

Warm Fuzzies

My psych doctor told me yesterday that she thinks I'm responsible.

It made me feel good.

And I like her.

(I wonder if she'd say the same thing if she saw the huge pile of laundry in my guest room that needs to be dealt with ... )

The end.

^_^

Chemicals vs. Personality

I had kind of an interesting train of thought last night. It was sparked by a critique I received at my writing group. One of the members commented that my submission was not consistent in its quality. (I actually could feel that as I wrote it, but it was one of those situations where I just needed to get something on the paper, regardless of the consistency or anything like that.) He mentioned that the other writers in the group are consistent, and he wants me to be as well because he knows I can be.

This was not news to me. Consistency is not something that I excel at. There are piano pieces I’ve been playing for over ten years. And I still make mistakes every single time I play them. Habits are incredibly hard for me to implement or break (but I think that’s probably true for many people). And of course, there are my moods.

Which made me wonder … does this consistency thing stem from being bi polar, or is it just part of my personality type? I’m what you call a “quick cycler”: my moods can drastically change once, twice, three times a day. Sometimes multiple times in an hour. From what I know about my illness, the majority of those with bi polar disorder are not quick cyclers, and they’ll stay in a mood (depressed or hypo/manic) for weeks, months, even years. I can’t even imagine that! Even my depression stages are marked by times of hypomania, and vice versa.

How many other personality traits of mine are linked to bi polar? My tendency to jump to the worst conclusion. My zany-ness. My perfectionism. My tendency to overload myself. My creativity. If you took away these things and more, would I even be me?

I know that in the next life, when I have been resurrected, I will have a perfect body (no more asthma!) and whole mind (no more attacks of the crazies!). Will I be the same person, with the same personality? Will Kurt still know his wife? Will I still be someone who he loves?

I believe the answer to those questions is yes. I am me. Bi polar is a part of who I am as a mortal and it has definitely influenced my thoughts, actions, interests. I firmly believe that. But I also feel like those parts of my personality are not necessarily bad things. The bad things from the illness are the mood swings, the psychosis, the obtrusive thoughts, the depression, the panic attacks, the racing thoughts, the impulses, the spiders in my brain. Those will be gone, but you’ll still know me. :)

I have a problem...

... I have too many interests!

This might not sound like a problem. But I can assure you, it is. Especially for someone who likes to pour too much in her glass.

Over the years I've been active in dance, snowboarding, musical theater, turbo kickboxing, decorating/crafts/DIY, cycling, running, hiking, Zumba, trail running, piano playing (and various other instruments), rock climbing, step aerobics, improv comedy, writing, baking, and weight lifting. (To name a few.)

The sun has set on some of those, like dance and improv comedy. It's taken years, and sometimes I still pine for those days, but I'm content to merely say that I did them and loved them, but I've moved on to other things.

I'm running the Bolder Boulder 10k again this year. Then, after I get back from my school residency in June, I plan to dive in cycling. I've loved going to Kurt's races and I want to tackle some myself. I'll still keep with the turbo kickboxing because I'm addicted. And then I want to swim once a week because it's so good for my asthma/cardiovascular health. Oh, and weight lifting, my first fitness love. Always weight lifting. And I hope that Kurt and I will do some rock climbing and hiking this summer. And mountain biking.

See what I mean by taking on too much?

And of course I'll write. I can't not write. And remember how one of my 2011 goals was to become a better piano player? Well, the Lord blessed me with an opportunity to achieve that goal: Relief Society pianist. (My most dreaded calling of all time!)

And of course, I'll bake the occasional cake, pie, or batch of cookies. It's a stress relief for me. And continue to make my house more cozy and (hopefully) beautiful. I want to try my hand at building some furniture.

But my greatest energies will be in writing (slash school work), piano playing, and fitness via cycling, weight lifting, swimming, and turbo kickboxing.

It sounds weird, but writing this all out makes me feel relaxed and happy.

Happy Wednesday!

Thoughts at Five A.M.

Sometimes you don't fall asleep till 1:30ish,

and then you get woken up by a weird noise that sounds like your dog howling at 4:30,

and you're completely awake.

But you feel calm and peaceful.

Sometimes we need to be shown by the Lord that we can succeed,

that we can accomplish things,

that we have capacity

on our own

(well, with not as much help from the Lord as we'd like).

Sometimes we need more help from Him than that.

Regardless, he gives us exactly what we need.

He won't write the paper for us,

or the story,

or read the book,

or go to the library,

but He will show us how to do it ourselves.

He won't fold the laundry for us,

or wash the dishes,

or vacuum the floor,

but He'll give us a loving husband who understands and helps,

and He'll let us know it's okay to let it slide for a while.

Doctrine and Covenants section 130 verse 18 says,

"Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection."

Not whatever load of laundry. ;)

Happy Friday i miei amici.

Happy Friday!

TFGIF!

(Figure out what that first F is and you get ... a virtual pat on the back.)

This has been pretty much the longest week of my life.

I was convinced all day yesterday that it was Friday,

despite little clues that it wasn't.

Like my calendar.

Or the garbage out front for pick up.

But it has finally arrived!

Huzzah!

And even though I've gotten about 3 hours of restive (is that a word?) sleep a night this week,

nothing can kill my good mood.

Because:

a) It's Friday (have I mentioned that yet?)

b) It's going to be 60 degrees today!

c) Kurt's last day in public accounting was yesterday (more details on that)

d) I woke up with several scenes in my head for my YA fiction book.

Also, I'm hypomanic.

But I'll take what I can get!

I hope your Friday is as good as mine.

Honestly.

And if it's not, watch this adorable video, and you'll be smiling in no time.

(Shibas are the cutest!)

Random Thoughts

Grad School.
Remember how I sat on my butt (head?) for years deciding what to get my Masters in?
And then I decided and two weeks later applied to schools and a month later was accepted to two and like two point six days later accepted one of them?
Well, I'm halfway done now.
^_^

Sponge.
So, being bi polar means I'm more emotional than your average bear. The majority of the time.
And then there are days when I feel like I'm drowning in emotion.
On those days, I soak it up like a sponge, from all around me.
Yesterday, a friend told me some devastating news.
Their pain became my pain.
But it didn't stop there.
Because once I get emotional, I don't just feel one emotion.
I get bombarded by emotions.
 Intense emotions.
It culminated in me slap happy and laughing at the stupidest things today at work.
I'm pretty sure everyone there thinks I'm crazy.
(You should see the emails I send out to our team ... I definitely used the phrase "Re-commence anticipatory salivation!" in the last one. That sounds really weird out of context. Umm ... it sounded weird in context too.)

Ashamed.
I subscribe to a blog that posts cute pictures of animals multiple times a day.
I might just be 14 years old again.

Plan-less.
I have no plans for the weekend.
This is amazing!
I plan on kickboxing, cleaning, and editing/writing all weekend.
Yummy.

Christmas gift.
I've been asked what my gift from Kurt was:
a hot pink, new generation iPod Nano.
With my email engraved on back.
In case I lose it.
Because I am married to an accountant who thinks of those things.

I Got A Piano!

And I'm so stinkin' thrilled about it!

I decided last week that I was finally going to do it.

On Saturday went to a few stores to look at used pianos.

Then decided to see what was on Craigslist on Sunday.

Found one that sounded great.

Called on it.

Saw it an hour later.

Called her another hour later and told her I'd buy it (for $100 less than her asking price, no less).

And Monday found movers who picked it up and dropped it off that afternoon!

I've been playing it nonstop.

It's a lovely Baldwin with a nice, bright sound and pretty nice key action.

I'm in love.

Freedom

I got the best news yesterday.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I've made mention on here about the weight one of my meds made me gain.

25 pounds.

TWENTY FIVE FREAKING POUNDS.

In four months, might I add.

I've been struggling and struggling to lose it, but I've only managed 9 pounds so far.

I complained about it to my therapist, who suggested I just lose a total of 15 pounds (which puts me at 10 pounds over my pre-medication weight) and just maintain that.

I decided I could do it.

But it made me sad to think about the skirts and shorts that would never fit me again.

(And to think I'd never get down to that weight again.)

Well, I met with my doctor yesterday.

Who wasn't so alarmed about my weight gain

(she said I look fit and strong)

until I mentioned how much my fat percentage has increase.

She didn't like that at all.

And so, starting June 14th, I go off Zyprexa and start Saphris.

They're in the same drug class, but Saphris, while generally causing weight gain, only causes an average increase of 2 pounds per year.

As opposed to Zyprexa, which causes an average of 25 pounds.

There's no guarantee this med will work as well for me (mentally speaking) as Zyprexa,

but it's worth a shot.

Yesterday as I drove home,

I nearly cried from the relief I experienced.

It felt like Christmas.

Spring Cleaning Countdown

This saturday, if all goes well, I shall unleash my cleaning fury upon my house.
Dirt, scurry!
Germs, hide!
Scum, be gone!

Here's my list, not for you, but for me when I forget. ;)
-Thoroughly wash all windows. As in, take them out and hose them down.
-Take down blinds and hose them down as well
-Sweep/mop behind oven and fridge
-Move furniture and vacuum where they sit
-Edge my carpets
-Wipe down baseboards
-Wash shower curtains
-Fill in holes in walls and touch up the paint
-Scrub kitchen and bathroo cabinets
-Clean oven

Charleston!

My friend and old coworker, Sarah, sent me this picture on facebook the other day via Design Sponge. 

I thought it was a print and if it was, I would've ordered it right away.

Sadly, it doesn't appear to be.

Le sigh.

But I still love it!!

Also, I've started a new blog: Bakin' Fool. 

To document and collect all of my favorite recipes.

That brings my (current) blog count up to 5.

Also, don't pay attention to the time stamp on this post.

It's wrong.

I swear.

Twitch.

New Haircut!

Yes, I know what you're thinking: Kristina we freaking don't care about your haircuts.

You're also thinking: Holy crap, you get a new haircut every 6 months.

I am pretty ADD with my hair. I would've kept my old length and cut (which I LOVED) but remember when Kurt hinted he wanted me to grow my hair out?

Well, I decided a few weeks ago that I needed to put some layers in. So I did. Here's a pic. The end.

Don't It Feel Like Sunshine After All?

"People who have experienced great sorrow can still experience joy."

I recently wrote that in the first chapter of my new book.

(Yes, I'm now writing two books.)

Now that I'm hypomanic, I'm perpetually happy.

It's a good thing.

Here are a few things that made my day today:

-two ladies complimenting me on my necklace

-listening to Coldplay

-amazing weather

-my adorable puppy Swift

-knowing a back way to my house, avoiding traffic

-seeing flowers at Sam's Club

-my lithium prescription is only $10

-finishing a delightful Shannon Hale novel, Book of a Thousand Days

-sunshine

-switching out winter clothes for summer

Life is amazing.

Don't you agree?

My hymn of grateful praise

We've been having some really lovely days lately that scream, "Spring is next week!" I've been spending my lunch breaks in my car, soaking up the sunshine and Diet Dr. P. I've been feeling giddy and happy and grateful. Yesterday in church, we sang a hymn that sums up how I feel almost 100% of the time right now.

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the beauty of each hour

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and moon and stars of light,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the joy of human love,

Brother, sister, parent, child,

Friends on earth, and friends above,

Pleasures pure and undefiled,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

Calling All Scriptures

I'm hypomanic right now.

Which means I'm super giddy, I'm super talkative, my mind is racing at a hundred miles an hour, and I'm pushing myself to the limits of my energy.

I also have a lot on my plate with working full time, school full time, and keeping the house clean almost by myself (oh tax season, how I loathe thee).

My therapist has instructed me not to multi task too much. So when I'm playing with our new puppy or walking him or on the cardio machines at the gym, I'm not allowed to read. I need to use that time to focus on my breathing and keep myself calm.

As a multi-tasker, I say bleh to that. But I will do it because I pay her a lot of money to know what she's talking about.

She also suggested picking one scripture a week and reading it every day while I brush my teeth or something like that.

So what are your favorite scriptures?

Some of mine are Romans 8:18, Romans 8:35-39, and Ether 12:4.