Samantha: [singing] We might be a world apart (world apart)
but you're always in my heart (always in my heart)
when you look up at the stars (look up at the stars)
feel my love from afar (afar, afar)
Looking down like a shining star (like a shining star)
dancing free with my guitar (with my guitar)
I don't know just where you are (where are you?)
love from afar, love from afar
feel my love!
Samantha: Ok Ron, which jokester changed the key on me?
Ron: No one, Samantha, it's been the same key for the last 8 takes.
Samantha: Where's my guitar? I need my guitar.
Ron: We have to mix the tracks separately.
Samantha: Well I need to be real Ron and my lyrics say, "dancing free with my guitar." I can't be real if I don't have my guitar, ok? I need to transcend!
Chris's Mom: Dusty, what kind of car is this?
Dusty: Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.
Chris's Mom: I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment.
Chris: I love the environment.
Chris's Mom: But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?
Chris: [pause] Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon. Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'.
Dusty: Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really. Thank you all for having me. It was so nice.
[Chris takes out his retainer]
Dusty: And hey, before I forget, make sure to that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay? Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool with germs and bacteria. Now put that back!
Chris: See, when a girl decides you're her friend you're no longer a dating option. You become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like a brother... or a lamp.
Ray: I don't want to be a lamp.
Chris: When he plays that thing it's like he has fifteen fingers.
Samantha: Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. To forgive is divine. So let's have a glass of wine. And have make-up sex until the end of time, time, time, time, timmmmmmeee! Time.
Samantha: Chris! Chris! Chriiiiiiiiis!
Chris: I'm busy!!
Samantha: I'm busy! Stupid dick!
High School Chris: Hey guys, have you seen Jamie?
H. S. Darla: I think I just saw her go into the garage with the football team.
H. S. Chris: Sweet.
Clark: So you gave her a ... body shake?
Chris: Dusty! Why?
Dusty: Are you kidding man? I love the notebook. Listen, it may sound gay, maybe even a little fem, but there is something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks's writing, you know what I mean? By the way, buddy, nice outfit. Rock and roll.
Jamie: What are you thinking about?
Chris: Bush.. the president... the first family, really.
Clark: Mariah Carey!! This is a Pontiac Grand Prix! You Hollywood guys are so dramatic!
Casey: Have you seen this poster? It's the hottest selling poster in America.
Chris: Yeah, with the fruit ...
Chris's Mom: [Starts dialing while Chris is on the phone] Hello Joyce?... Joyce?
Chris: No, Mom, I'm on the phone.
Chris's Mom: Well honey, what are you doing at Joyce's house?
Chris: No, mom, I'm in the living room, 10 feet away from you.
Chris's Mom: Well, honey, while I have you on the phone, what do you want for dinner? We have a choice of chicken chow mein or roast beef.
Little Girl: Sorry Ms. Palomino, it's just that he's so terrible.
Chris: I'm not terrible, it's just these rental skates.
Little Boy: A good skater can skate in anything!
Waitress: I remember you! You're the chubby bunny! Ohhhh, you're not so chubby anymore are you! [Pinching his cheek.]
Chris: [Making a stabbing action with his fork towards her hand] You're in my personal space.
Clark: Are you kidding man? You're Chris Brander! You're Hollywood! You date models! He's Jersey. He skis in his jeans!
Samantha: I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever!... I'm sorry I'm not poor!... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass!
Samantha: Let's go Chris, there's pee on the floor. [Sees Jamie and hisses at her]
Chris: I'm gonna start drinking, can I get you anything? Mom? Samantha, maybe some salmon? Cuz I'm just gonna [makes a shooting action with his hand into his mouth]
Chris: [sees Samantha] AHHH!
Samantha: [laughs] I'm a bubble.
Chris: What did you do to her?!
Mike: Long story short, she fell?
Chris: Mike, I'm gonna kill you!
Mike: 'She's fine! She's got her toothpaste, she's happy! She's just loopy from all of the vicodin!
Chris: Where'd you get the vicodin?
Mike: [ashamed] Mom
Samantha: Blueberry.
Samantha: [Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him] Oooohhh yes! It's Go-Time!
Chris: Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you!
Samantha: [rolls her eyes] Oooo, the big speech.
Samantha: We can work at play, meow!
Samantha: We're gonna be the best manager/artist team since Jessica Simpson and her dad, except we get to mrow! and they can't cuz it's illegal. I looked it up.
Samantha: Your names are Clark and Darla? Oh my gosh, that is just so adorable, I could eat you both up! [Barks like a dog several times]
Samantha: I'm so glad Casey got us back together!
Chris: Yeah, you're awful!
Samantha: I wonder if we could get Bono to sing back up. I could sing, "Forgiveness is the way," and he'd be all, "Forgiveness every day!" except all Bono-y.
Chris: [thinking] Dude! It's the girl of your dreams! Ravage her! ... But what if she doesn't wanna be ravaged? Friends don't ravage each other, friends watch New Years Rockin Eve. I wonder who's hosting this year?
Chris: Mom! Where are my ice skates? I need them!
Chris's mom: Oh honey, I threw those away ages ago. Besides, you were never very good at ice skating.
Chris: Well I'm good now and I need them to show off my talents for Jamie!
Chris's Mom: Oh honey, you don't need to show off for Jamie. Just, be yourself. [singing] Be yourself! Be yourself! Be yourseeeeeelf! [speaking again] Now come on, Mikey and I are making snow angels!
Chris: I don't wanna be myself. My snow globe collection!
Young Mike: Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!
Samantha: I love that you're taking me home to meet your mother. Is this one of your clever plans?
Chris: Yes, I planned you setting the plane on fire.
Chris: She is a crazy person!
Casey: Hey, you're the one who used to diddle her.
Chris: It was one date! And I ended up in the hospital!
Jamie: I just peed a little!
Santa: It's a Palomino Christmas... again!
Samantha: Oh gosh I wanna lick your skin off!
Chris: I'd prefer you didn't.
Samantha: But I want to.
Chris: Don't!
Samantha: [charges him with a roar and starts kissing him] Oo you're gonna get it, you're gonna get it bad.
Chris: I don't want it.
Chris: If she wakes up, tell her I went to meet Bono.
Mike: You're going to meet Bono? I wanna go too.
Chris: Now you working void, it's a lie. I'm going over to Jamie's house.
[Angry, both act like they're going to hit each other.]
Chris: I love you.
Mike: [hands Chris a Christmas cookie] I love you too.
Clark: It sounds like you're right back where you started. You're in the friend zone.
Mike: [to Samantha] Mike Brander, nice to meet you. I have your poster on my wall but you are way hotter in person.
Samantha: I know!
Chris: You have her poster?
Mike: Yeah, I slapped the ham to it like an hour ago.
Chris's Mom: What ham did you slap honey? Not the one I just bought.
Samantha: Uh, Mrs. Brander, do you have anything other than ham? Because I'm on the pericone diet and I need salmon like, now.
Chris's Mom: I love the color salmon for rooms, it's just so relaxing.
Darla: She's adorable.
Chris: And affectionate.
Samantha: It's ok, you can have other girls, I like girls. Darla.
Chris: Listen, Mr. Palomino, I'm really sorry about last night. [a burnt Santa falls onto the yard with a last dying, ho ho ho] And that. Look, I know you hate me, but I need to speak with Jamie... Where is she
Mr. Palomino: She's gone off with Mr. Lee.
Clark: The dry cleaner?
Mr. Palomino: No, Dusty, you idiot.
Samantha: The container said microwaveable!
Fireman: Yeah, but the foil wasn't.
Samantha: Well I'm not supposed to worry about that, I'm the talent!
Samantha: [on the phone with her dad] Daddy we're down. ... Nice plane! ... Not happy!! ... Wait a minute, am I being Punked? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?
And the last, so sweet:
Chris: Jamie, look, Jamie! I said a lot of really crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend to you and I'm sorry, ok. The truth is that I'm afraid to be your friend because I'm always gonna want more. But then I got to thinking that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
[She opens the door]
Chris: You know, that's a lie too.
Jamie: What do you want, Chris?
Chris: I want to take you out on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day or at night or whenever as long as it's a real date. And I want to tell you how beautiful I think you are, inside and out. And I want to have babies with you, and I want to marry you and I love you, Jamie, I always have.
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