Mmmm, Happy Fall :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It Ain't Over Yet
You know, the strangest thing happened to me after I wrote my post on being bipolar:
A great weight lifted from my shoulders.
Not only that, but it seemed like the nightmares of yesterday were gone forever.
Silly me.
It's slowly sinking in (again) that I still have bi polar disorder,
that I always will have bi polar disorder
until I die.
And then, when I rise in resurrection,
I will finally know what it's like to have a sane mind.
That's a funny thought, because I used to think I had a sane mind,
so I thought I knew what it was like.
Turns out I was only dreaming.
I used to tell my family member with bipolar disorder,
when they would tell me things they experienced,
that I experienced them too and so it meant everyone experienced them!
Turns out the reason I also experienced them,
was because my mind was unwell.
Does anyone else see the irony/humor in this?
A great weight lifted from my shoulders.
Not only that, but it seemed like the nightmares of yesterday were gone forever.
Silly me.
It's slowly sinking in (again) that I still have bi polar disorder,
that I always will have bi polar disorder
until I die.
And then, when I rise in resurrection,
I will finally know what it's like to have a sane mind.
That's a funny thought, because I used to think I had a sane mind,
so I thought I knew what it was like.
Turns out I was only dreaming.
I used to tell my family member with bipolar disorder,
when they would tell me things they experienced,
that I experienced them too and so it meant everyone experienced them!
Turns out the reason I also experienced them,
was because my mind was unwell.
Does anyone else see the irony/humor in this?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
An Outpouring Of Love
Wow.
Thank y'all so much for the love and support y'all have shown me the past few days.
I am truly humbled.
And feel all kinds of warm fuzzies in my bosom.
On another note,
I sent in my first two grad school applications today.
Ahhhh!
Thank y'all so much for the love and support y'all have shown me the past few days.
I am truly humbled.
And feel all kinds of warm fuzzies in my bosom.
On another note,
I sent in my first two grad school applications today.
Ahhhh!
Monday, September 14, 2009
I Go To Extremes
"'Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes. Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens,'" I belted as we sailed across Wyoming. I suddenly stopped singing and giggled, glancing over to Kurt. "This song's like my theme song."
But the fact is I do know why I go to extremes. For a long time I thought it was my imagination. Or I was simply being dramatic. Or it was the hormones in my birth control. In reality, my extremes have a very solid cause. I am bi polar.
This may not come as a shock to some, while others may not believe it. Many of you know that I have a close family member who is as well, along with several other distant relatives who are also. So it really shouldn't be a surprise--shouldn't have been a surprise to me when I found out last month.
'Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight'
Looking back over the years, I believe I was hypomanic my freshman year of college. I got entirely too little sleep. I spent way too much money. I ate a ridiculous amount of food. I hung out with my friends constantly, thinking I was charming, witty and funny, when in reality I was probably more along the lines of loud and obnoxious. I took a wide variety of classes, from ballet to mass communications, public speaking to American Sign Language, chasing after various grand ideas. The year seemed to a great one but when it was done I was left with debt, horrible grades, and 20 pounds more on my frame. My euphoric high came to a screeching halt the day I sent my missionary into the MTC.
'Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will'
There's no question that I was depressed my sophomore year. I regularly slept in till 11, missing my morning classes. One day, in fact, I literally slept all day, not emerging from my room until 6 pm and only then because I was hungry. I hated myself. I hated my reflection. I chopped my hair in a vain attempt to be happy with my appearance. This produced an even worse image and my spirits dove because of it. I rarely dated and when I did, I only wanted to make out. I didn't see my friends much, but luckily I lived with my sister who helped me through this time. I also sought counseling, free thanks to BYU, which helped me recognize my experience and get through it. At the time I thought it was only situational depression. There was no chemical imbalance, or so I thought. With time, counseling, exercise, and the Lord, I pulled through. Surely it was only situational.
'Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime'
I was given a respite my junior and senior years. Two blissful years of sanity. I didn't know well enough to cherish them like I wish I had. I don't remember much about my mental state during that time, which proves to me it was a time of sane thoughts and healthy self esteem. Kurt and I found each other. We dated. We fell in love. We got engaged. With the oncoming marriage came birth control. I went on the ring, about which the nurse at the health center said she'd never taken anyone off of it because of negative side effects. It sounded like my cup of tea. After the initial adjustment period, things seemed peachy keen. We got married and moved to New York for what I thought would be a summer of love and fun. In many ways, it was. But I had no idea of the tidal wave that was coming for me.
'You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long'
Poor Kurt didn't know what to do when it hit. I suddenly couldn't sleep anymore. I cried. Often. I mentally and verbally beat myself up, in typical Kristina fashion. I was cranky a lot. I felt listless and not useful. I felt like a waste of space. I was no longer the optimistic, cheerful young woman he'd married. I was someone altogether different. Somehow, we made it through the summer and back to Provo. That fall I was able to dive into a busy schedule of work, school, and LOL. I lost myself in the business of it all. This isn't to say I was hunky dory. Kurt had to, more than once, literally pick me up off the floor and tell me that I could in fact pass the test, write the paper, go to class. I put my head down and pushed on. I spoke with the Lord often as I walked to class, sat at work, or entered another late night of studying. On my last day of school, on which I had to take 4 finals, I cried. However this was a healthy cry. I thanked the Lord for carrying me through that time. I cried for the beauty of the setting sun as I drove home to a napping Kurt. I sat in the parking lot and cried with sheer exhaustion. I was finally done. But now that my mind was no longer occupied with these healthier things, it found time to eat in on itself. On Christmas Day I hit a grand low, as I found myself crying miserably while all around me was love, happiness, my family, and celebration of our Lord. I looked at my mom and told her I'd had enough. It was time to get off the birth control.
We returned to Provo and I met with my doctor, explaining my plight. He immediately recommended I go on the non-hormonal IUD. It sounded like pure heaven to me. The initial physical pain was intense, but the immediate relief I felt emotionally was enough to outweigh it. I was finally free! It had been the hormones all along! Victory!
Unfortunately, not victory. I was OK for a few months. But then my moods started to go crazy again. I lamented to Kurt that my emotional-free days of high school were long gone. I found myself getting depressed again. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I decided to get help. But then hives sprang up and I decided I should see someone about those first. By the time my hives were under control, the depression was long gone.
'Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?'
My family member is the one who suggested that I seek help. I hadn't even realized I'd needed it. Yeah, I was suffering from panic attacks 3 to 5 times a week, but that wasn't a big deal. I was very confident in myself. When we hung out with friends, I was witty and charming again. Now as I look back, I see that I was manic and this bout of mania was increasing in severity. When I felt like such a fun person around our friends, Kurt told me that I was being a bit obnoxious. I was having fun buying clothing for myself in what seemed like months. And buying stuff for our house. And more stuff for our house. I thought it would be great to run a half marathon. Then to do a fitness competition. And why not go ahead and apply for grad school in a month? My panic attacks were increasing and the thoughts in my head swirled round and round each other. I started to get confused and dizzy multiple times a day. My thoughts were racing so fast I didn't know how to attend to them, let alone gain control. Then my family member said I was "showing signs of mood instability" and that I should see a professional. I realize now that family member saved me. I saw a doctor who put me on lithium. All sad thoughts instantly disappeared. But I was suddenly angry most of the time. Some of the worst fights we've ever had were in this period. I told my doctor, who put me on zyprexa. The rage was gone. But I was still feeling manic. So she upped the lithium dosage. This was the visit when I asked my doctor what my diagnosis was. "Bi polar two," she told me. I was floored.
Even though it was scary to hear something like that, it was also a relief. After all, it's an answer. All of the experiences I wrote about, I had no idea what they meant. It is only now, as I learn more about this illness I suffer from, that they are making sense. The diagnosis is also like a solution. I can now take medication to treat my symptoms. Sometimes I get sick of being medicated. I spend my days sedated and there are times when I want to throw my pills in the trash. At those times, I force myself to remember what it's like without the pills, what it's like with the confusion, racing thoughts, and panic. Sure, the highs are intoxicating but I can't experience them without the detrimental lows. As I embark on life with this new perspective, with the aid of modern medicine, I find myself relearning emotions and relying on the Lord more than ever.
But the fact is I do know why I go to extremes. For a long time I thought it was my imagination. Or I was simply being dramatic. Or it was the hormones in my birth control. In reality, my extremes have a very solid cause. I am bi polar.
This may not come as a shock to some, while others may not believe it. Many of you know that I have a close family member who is as well, along with several other distant relatives who are also. So it really shouldn't be a surprise--shouldn't have been a surprise to me when I found out last month.
'Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight'
Looking back over the years, I believe I was hypomanic my freshman year of college. I got entirely too little sleep. I spent way too much money. I ate a ridiculous amount of food. I hung out with my friends constantly, thinking I was charming, witty and funny, when in reality I was probably more along the lines of loud and obnoxious. I took a wide variety of classes, from ballet to mass communications, public speaking to American Sign Language, chasing after various grand ideas. The year seemed to a great one but when it was done I was left with debt, horrible grades, and 20 pounds more on my frame. My euphoric high came to a screeching halt the day I sent my missionary into the MTC.
'Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will'
There's no question that I was depressed my sophomore year. I regularly slept in till 11, missing my morning classes. One day, in fact, I literally slept all day, not emerging from my room until 6 pm and only then because I was hungry. I hated myself. I hated my reflection. I chopped my hair in a vain attempt to be happy with my appearance. This produced an even worse image and my spirits dove because of it. I rarely dated and when I did, I only wanted to make out. I didn't see my friends much, but luckily I lived with my sister who helped me through this time. I also sought counseling, free thanks to BYU, which helped me recognize my experience and get through it. At the time I thought it was only situational depression. There was no chemical imbalance, or so I thought. With time, counseling, exercise, and the Lord, I pulled through. Surely it was only situational.
'Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime'
I was given a respite my junior and senior years. Two blissful years of sanity. I didn't know well enough to cherish them like I wish I had. I don't remember much about my mental state during that time, which proves to me it was a time of sane thoughts and healthy self esteem. Kurt and I found each other. We dated. We fell in love. We got engaged. With the oncoming marriage came birth control. I went on the ring, about which the nurse at the health center said she'd never taken anyone off of it because of negative side effects. It sounded like my cup of tea. After the initial adjustment period, things seemed peachy keen. We got married and moved to New York for what I thought would be a summer of love and fun. In many ways, it was. But I had no idea of the tidal wave that was coming for me.
'You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long'
Poor Kurt didn't know what to do when it hit. I suddenly couldn't sleep anymore. I cried. Often. I mentally and verbally beat myself up, in typical Kristina fashion. I was cranky a lot. I felt listless and not useful. I felt like a waste of space. I was no longer the optimistic, cheerful young woman he'd married. I was someone altogether different. Somehow, we made it through the summer and back to Provo. That fall I was able to dive into a busy schedule of work, school, and LOL. I lost myself in the business of it all. This isn't to say I was hunky dory. Kurt had to, more than once, literally pick me up off the floor and tell me that I could in fact pass the test, write the paper, go to class. I put my head down and pushed on. I spoke with the Lord often as I walked to class, sat at work, or entered another late night of studying. On my last day of school, on which I had to take 4 finals, I cried. However this was a healthy cry. I thanked the Lord for carrying me through that time. I cried for the beauty of the setting sun as I drove home to a napping Kurt. I sat in the parking lot and cried with sheer exhaustion. I was finally done. But now that my mind was no longer occupied with these healthier things, it found time to eat in on itself. On Christmas Day I hit a grand low, as I found myself crying miserably while all around me was love, happiness, my family, and celebration of our Lord. I looked at my mom and told her I'd had enough. It was time to get off the birth control.
We returned to Provo and I met with my doctor, explaining my plight. He immediately recommended I go on the non-hormonal IUD. It sounded like pure heaven to me. The initial physical pain was intense, but the immediate relief I felt emotionally was enough to outweigh it. I was finally free! It had been the hormones all along! Victory!
Unfortunately, not victory. I was OK for a few months. But then my moods started to go crazy again. I lamented to Kurt that my emotional-free days of high school were long gone. I found myself getting depressed again. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I decided to get help. But then hives sprang up and I decided I should see someone about those first. By the time my hives were under control, the depression was long gone.
'Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?'
My family member is the one who suggested that I seek help. I hadn't even realized I'd needed it. Yeah, I was suffering from panic attacks 3 to 5 times a week, but that wasn't a big deal. I was very confident in myself. When we hung out with friends, I was witty and charming again. Now as I look back, I see that I was manic and this bout of mania was increasing in severity. When I felt like such a fun person around our friends, Kurt told me that I was being a bit obnoxious. I was having fun buying clothing for myself in what seemed like months. And buying stuff for our house. And more stuff for our house. I thought it would be great to run a half marathon. Then to do a fitness competition. And why not go ahead and apply for grad school in a month? My panic attacks were increasing and the thoughts in my head swirled round and round each other. I started to get confused and dizzy multiple times a day. My thoughts were racing so fast I didn't know how to attend to them, let alone gain control. Then my family member said I was "showing signs of mood instability" and that I should see a professional. I realize now that family member saved me. I saw a doctor who put me on lithium. All sad thoughts instantly disappeared. But I was suddenly angry most of the time. Some of the worst fights we've ever had were in this period. I told my doctor, who put me on zyprexa. The rage was gone. But I was still feeling manic. So she upped the lithium dosage. This was the visit when I asked my doctor what my diagnosis was. "Bi polar two," she told me. I was floored.
Even though it was scary to hear something like that, it was also a relief. After all, it's an answer. All of the experiences I wrote about, I had no idea what they meant. It is only now, as I learn more about this illness I suffer from, that they are making sense. The diagnosis is also like a solution. I can now take medication to treat my symptoms. Sometimes I get sick of being medicated. I spend my days sedated and there are times when I want to throw my pills in the trash. At those times, I force myself to remember what it's like without the pills, what it's like with the confusion, racing thoughts, and panic. Sure, the highs are intoxicating but I can't experience them without the detrimental lows. As I embark on life with this new perspective, with the aid of modern medicine, I find myself relearning emotions and relying on the Lord more than ever.
The Kurtstanimal
Logan, UT
to
Jackson Hole, WY
206 miles
3 states
1 day
to
Jackson Hole, WY
206 miles
3 states
1 day
Kurt did the Lotoja bike race on Saturday. He was given 13 hours to do it. His goal was under 11 hours. He was tired from working like crazy (think 60-70 hour weeks for the 3 weeks up to the race). He was under trained because of his hectic work schedule. And he did it! He completed the race in 10 hours and 55 minutes. I am so unbelievably proud of him!!
Getting ready!!
The starting line
Feed zone in Afton--James and Camille drove along to cheer Kurt on. What great friends!
Support Crew in action!
He's in the back of this pack.
And this one too.
And then he finished! I went to take a picture of him making a face that expressed how he felt, and accidentally had it set on sports sequence still. So, I got a ton of pics of him doing this:
How's that for a taste.
So proud of you, babe!
Then we went to Jackson to eat at my family's favorite spot, the Merry Piglets.
Oh, and they're Married Piglets! Bahahaha!
We drove to my uncle Brad and aunt Michelle's house, went to bed, woke up and spent far too little time with the family, then packed up and headed home to Denver. Here was our last view of Idaho:
Family Pictures
While we were in Logan, I asked my fabulous cousin Michelle if she would be so kind as to snap a few pictures of Kurt and I for our family pictures this year. They turned out fantastic! Michelle is incredibly talented at photography and I can't say enough how awesome I think these look! Thanks again Michelle!
I think this is my favorite.
I think this is my favorite.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Dad and Caroline
So, after St. Louis, Dad, Caroline, and I drove back home to Denver (well, back home for me). On Monday, we got yummy breakfast at Toast then took them up Mt. Evans. This time we brought Zumi along! Caroline and Dad both loved Zumi and why not? He's uber lovable.
Pit stop just before the entrance gate.
Caroline took this cool pic of snow falling up in the mountain tops.
Yes, that is a man on a unicycle. Of course.
We couldn't drive all the way to the parking lot up top because it was so busy! So we parked and hiked a bit just to get to the short hike to the tippy top.
We all got winded (it's 14k feet, after all) and actually Dad didn't feel up to hiking all the way up.
The top!
Yes!
We're tired!
Thumbs up? Am I really that dorky?
Caroline and Zumi at the very top of the mountain.
This man has a little Captain in him.
That gives you an idea of how far up you have to hike. Not that far.
Kurt took this awesome pic of Zumi. Man, that's a cute puppy.
Then we went to Hacienda Colorado and stuffed our faces. Then Kurt had to work, so Caroline, Dad, and I took Zumi to the park down the street from our house. We played fetch and laid in the nice, soft grass. The next morning when we woke, Dad and Caroline were gone. Another 1-day trip from my family! Loved having them here!!
Pit stop just before the entrance gate.
Caroline took this cool pic of snow falling up in the mountain tops.
Yes, that is a man on a unicycle. Of course.
We couldn't drive all the way to the parking lot up top because it was so busy! So we parked and hiked a bit just to get to the short hike to the tippy top.
We all got winded (it's 14k feet, after all) and actually Dad didn't feel up to hiking all the way up.
The top!
Yes!
We're tired!
Thumbs up? Am I really that dorky?
Caroline and Zumi at the very top of the mountain.
This man has a little Captain in him.
That gives you an idea of how far up you have to hike. Not that far.
Kurt took this awesome pic of Zumi. Man, that's a cute puppy.
Then we went to Hacienda Colorado and stuffed our faces. Then Kurt had to work, so Caroline, Dad, and I took Zumi to the park down the street from our house. We played fetch and laid in the nice, soft grass. The next morning when we woke, Dad and Caroline were gone. Another 1-day trip from my family! Loved having them here!!
September Goals
Well, I'm going to be mostly consumed with applying to grad schools (I have 3 deadlines in October), so I won't have a whole lot of time for much else this month. I actually have 3 goals this month:
-Mail off applications to Whidbey Writers Association and Converse College
-Be more productive at work and take more initiative
-Start a trial cut and stick with it for a month
I should probably also add try not to be a distraction to Kurt until after September 15th. :)
-Mail off applications to Whidbey Writers Association and Converse College
-Be more productive at work and take more initiative
-Start a trial cut and stick with it for a month
I should probably also add try not to be a distraction to Kurt until after September 15th. :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Spirit of St. Louis
For Labor Day weekend, I was able to go to St. Louis and spend time with Ryan, Mandi, and the boys. Kurt was originally going to go, but his 16 hour days got in the way. I still had a great time, though! I flew in on Wednesday night and the next day we took the boys down to the duck pond.
Then we walked to Sonic.
I love this pic, lol.
Making breakfast on Friday morning. On Thursday night, Mandi and I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (ala Jessica's super easy recipe!) and Mandi gave one to Max. These cookies are a bit messy, so he's got orange all over his face. Classic.
Then we took the boys to the park.
Then Caroline and my dad stopped on their way out to the Y of I and Ryan and Mandi took all of us to get some amazing fried chicken.
And on Saturday we went to the zoo!
After the zoo, we watched the Cougars beat the #3 Sooners. We freaked out--Ryan ran up and down his street he was so excited. It was seriously the best game.
On Sunday, Caroline, Dad, and I packed up the ol' Sunfire, said goodbye to Ryan, Mandi, Chris, and Max, and drove 13 hours to Denver. It was so great seeing my family--I haven't seen Ryan and his family in over a year. Thanks y'all for letting me stay with y'all!
Then we walked to Sonic.
I love this pic, lol.
Making breakfast on Friday morning. On Thursday night, Mandi and I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (ala Jessica's super easy recipe!) and Mandi gave one to Max. These cookies are a bit messy, so he's got orange all over his face. Classic.
Then we took the boys to the park.
Then Caroline and my dad stopped on their way out to the Y of I and Ryan and Mandi took all of us to get some amazing fried chicken.
And on Saturday we went to the zoo!
After the zoo, we watched the Cougars beat the #3 Sooners. We freaked out--Ryan ran up and down his street he was so excited. It was seriously the best game.
On Sunday, Caroline, Dad, and I packed up the ol' Sunfire, said goodbye to Ryan, Mandi, Chris, and Max, and drove 13 hours to Denver. It was so great seeing my family--I haven't seen Ryan and his family in over a year. Thanks y'all for letting me stay with y'all!
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