Chemicals vs. Personality

I had kind of an interesting train of thought last night. It was sparked by a critique I received at my writing group. One of the members commented that my submission was not consistent in its quality. (I actually could feel that as I wrote it, but it was one of those situations where I just needed to get something on the paper, regardless of the consistency or anything like that.) He mentioned that the other writers in the group are consistent, and he wants me to be as well because he knows I can be.

This was not news to me. Consistency is not something that I excel at. There are piano pieces I’ve been playing for over ten years. And I still make mistakes every single time I play them. Habits are incredibly hard for me to implement or break (but I think that’s probably true for many people). And of course, there are my moods.

Which made me wonder … does this consistency thing stem from being bi polar, or is it just part of my personality type? I’m what you call a “quick cycler”: my moods can drastically change once, twice, three times a day. Sometimes multiple times in an hour. From what I know about my illness, the majority of those with bi polar disorder are not quick cyclers, and they’ll stay in a mood (depressed or hypo/manic) for weeks, months, even years. I can’t even imagine that! Even my depression stages are marked by times of hypomania, and vice versa.

How many other personality traits of mine are linked to bi polar? My tendency to jump to the worst conclusion. My zany-ness. My perfectionism. My tendency to overload myself. My creativity. If you took away these things and more, would I even be me?

I know that in the next life, when I have been resurrected, I will have a perfect body (no more asthma!) and whole mind (no more attacks of the crazies!). Will I be the same person, with the same personality? Will Kurt still know his wife? Will I still be someone who he loves?

I believe the answer to those questions is yes. I am me. Bi polar is a part of who I am as a mortal and it has definitely influenced my thoughts, actions, interests. I firmly believe that. But I also feel like those parts of my personality are not necessarily bad things. The bad things from the illness are the mood swings, the psychosis, the obtrusive thoughts, the depression, the panic attacks, the racing thoughts, the impulses, the spiders in my brain. Those will be gone, but you’ll still know me. :)